Author: chooch

Editor’s Note: The Newb “episode report” for the Game of Thrones was late this time because of me, not because of my “tenant.”

“The Eye of Newb” contains spoilers from the episode listed. If you have not watched the episode written about, you have been warned. But as Matt has not read the books (as of yet), you do not have to worry about future spoilers. Enjoy!

… Oh, one last thing: since Episode 7 is already out there for viewing, I don’t feel bad commenting on some of my tenant’s observations…

 

The Eye of Newb: Game of Thrones (HBO) Episode 6:
\\A Golden Crown\\

By: Matt Lynch

 

\\I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel…\\ \\“ Tyrion Lannister

There is a God, Good People! Viserys Targaryen reaps the whirlwind, in a glittering bling beanie! Oh wondrous beauty, oh thing of grandeur. The Newb is so-o very happy he has persisted long enough to get hooked on this saga, for that stylishly brutal end is all the payback I need to forge on. Dear Landlord, I retract most of the bad things I\\™ve said about and to you\\¦ but not all, as for some inexplicable reason, Jaime Lannister still lives, retaining his head and missing a giant bloody spike extending therefrom. Ah, well. It\\™s only episode six. Viserys snuffing it beneath his well-earned chapeaux will sustain me for a few more viewings at least.

Well, that, and the roundhouse Cersei took in the opening minutes. Robert will pay for that slap. Dearly. I feel no sympathy for his impending doom, but even so, that head-spinner couldn\\™t have happened to a nicer gal.

And those, Friends, were only the second and third best moments of this week\\™s episode, respectively. The best moment, running away from the field, was the Imp\\™s confession. I\\™ve said it before and I\\™ll say it again: I love\\¦nay, adore, Peter Dinklage. Watching him pull off sheer terror before the turnkey Mord and then condescending adherence to form while listing his litany of totally spurious \\crimes\\ was a sheer delight. So many flavors of awesome\\¦except, of course, turtle stew.

So, in my own (free from all condescension) adherence to form, on we go to other events and impressions from this week\\™s broadcast.

• Interesting cover story the Lannisters have spread about the whole spear-through-the-leg incident. Oh, and Robert, honor Cersei again. Please?
• I\\™d hate to be Ned Stark right now. He\\™s the Hand again, and I predict will die as such, either from his injuries or from unforeseen deception. He\\™s set a pattern as a straightforward man of the North who has been played too many times. Mark my words, Ned Stark will not leave King\\™s Landing alive. I don\\™t know why or how his death will come to pass, but I\\™m sure it will. Soon.
• Ooh! Not only can Dany withstand the searing pain of rough rear entry, but it appears she\\™s inflammable, too. Not a bad trait to have. Worked out well for Hellboy. And is it me, or is this stubborn urge she feels to place petrified dragon eggs in hot places foreshadowing? I hope so. Very rarely is a story ruined by the addition of enormous, flame-spewing lizards. Well, except for poor Tokyo. Just sayin\\™.
• Okay, literati, or just those who\\™ve read this particular book\\¦ what the hell gives with the three-eyed crow, already? These dream sequences seem to go nowhere, and frankly they\\™re just confusing the rest of us. Stop it! ed. note – yeah, bad use of the three eyed crow. In the book, Bran begins seeing the three-eyed crow during his coma. And it talks. And it represents something. Right now it’s just a placeholder… “oh yeah, sometimes I forget this is a fantasy world… glad they put this crow with three eyes in here.”
• While I don\\™t fully understand the significance of the conversation between Theon Greyjoy and Robb Stark in the woods either, I love the sheer joy of Bran on horseback. Apparently, war\\™s still comin\\™, though.
• What in the name of all things Rowling is Nymphadora Tonks doing in the woods stealing silver and horses from small boys?! Oh how the mighty have fallen.
• Theon appears to possess the requisite amount of bloodlust, recklessness, cool calculation and marksmanship to be a factor in the aforementioned comin\\™ war. It\\™ll be interesting to see if he fights for or against house Stark, given the families\\™ history.
• Whoa! Back to the Eyrie, and arguably the harshest alarm clock in Westeros. A thousand yards straight down will certainly peel the old eyelids back. If not, Mord yelling \\No gold!\\™ ought to do the trick.
• There is only one thing we say to Death: \\Not today.\\ Syrio is like the Silent Bob of this particular feature. He doesn\\™t say much, but the words he speaks carry weight.
• Ugh. Horse heart. Is no orifice safe for poor Dany. If it\\™s not engorged meat going in one way, it\\™s bloody engorged meat going in another. I pity this poor girl, and I wish I hadn\\™t eaten dinner before watching. On the upside, there\\™s a messy, wet smooch waiting for Khal Drogo at the end of this, and maybe a long ride. Lord knows Dany\\™s had her protein for the day. She should be full of energy.
• Viserys is getting desperate. And he\\™s losing his bondsman. So happy. So very happy. As he runs out of allies, he becomes a riper and riper target for the axe.
• The Imp has gold and a plan, but his persistence in following said plan, despite being thwarted by a slow-witted man with a leather club, is a humorous thing to behold. \\You\\™re a smart man.\\ I think Mord\\™s train left the smart station a wee bit prematurely.
• Oh, I could watch this confession and trial over and over. Lather, rinse, repeat. I haven\\™t laughed this hard at a dwarf in medieval garb, well, ever. And I do love the reaction of Tyrion\\™s eventual champion, as well as Robin, the coddled, half-wit prince. Awesome.
• The page seems awfully interested in dispensing wine to Robert. The question is, when the King is good and drunk, or perhaps drunker, who will step up to kill him? Barristan? You’d better take that back. Never Barristan.
• Oh, and good for Renly for standing up to his sodden and boorish brother. The old days certainly don\\™t seem all that good, unless you miss constant combat. I\\™d bet that Robert does miss just that.
• Wow! Ned\\™s gone and pissed off the richest man in Westeros, on behalf of poor river men and in the name of the King. Sweet! Now I\\™m positive he\\™s a dead man. And Baelish is beautiful in this scene. I mean ultra-slimy Bib Fortuna beautiful. Not quite Salacious Crumb beautiful, but, well, you know what I mean.
• Quite an excellent combat scene, and The Imp is freed by his cunning and his funding yet again.
• Side note: I want a moon door. In my family room. Better yet, in my foyer. For the looks alone on the faces of door-to-door salesmen when I say \\step inside.\\
• Speaking of moon doors and trials, did it seem to anyone else that throwing Ser Vardis out the door in the floor after his carotid was cut through seem to be gilding the lily? It did delight young Robin, though.
• Sansa can be as bitchy as Cersei, especially where the help is concerned. Poor Septa. And Joffrey is a simpering and shifty little bastard who, despite his wide-eyed earnestness, simply cannot be believed.
• Alas, poor Theon. His beloved Ros is off to greener pastures, and without title, there\\™s nothing he can do about it. Frankly, I\\™ll miss that lovely libertine redhead terribly, as well. Some parts of her especially so.
• When poor Ned tells his daughters to pack for a trip home, for their own safety, mind\\¦Yeah, that scene makes me very happy I don\\™t have daughters. I quote: \\I don\\™t want brave and gentle and strong! I want him!\\ Yep. No daughters. Whew! (No offense, Dear Landlord.) Bite me. I’ll have that moon-door by the time one of your sons tries to date one of my daughters.
• And the reference to blond-haired babies is what we might call a lightbulb moment. I finally get why the existence, and especially appearance, of all of Robert\\™s bastard children matters as much as the Incestuous Lannister Freakshow. It\\™s a chicken and egg situation, betrayed by Joffrey\\™s lustrous locks. Eeesh. That\\™s nasty to contemplate, but it does leave one with an appreciation for Joffrey\\™s high-functioning state, given his lineage. He could be a drooling wretch. Come to think of it, why couldn\\™t he be a drooling wretch? I think I\\™d like him better that way.
• Oh, sweet heavenly jeebus, that closing scene was just pure poetry. The metallic thud of Viserys\\™ newly-plated noggin meeting the dirt floor will live on in my memory as a high point of this series so far, as well as his screams of agony during the \\˜coronation.\\™ Mmm-mm-MMM!! Tasty.

Oh, Good People. Pure Fantasy geeks of the world. You have won me over. Infected me with your dread disease. Hell, I\\™d join your zombie army willingly at this point, contagion coursing through my fevered veins or no. In truth, the Newb is feeling like a comic book junky on the 3^rd of the month\\¦ I actually can\\™t wait for the next episode. \\˜Til next week, Friends, peace, prosperity, and a word of counsel: Don\\™t eat the turtle stew.

 

Editor’s Note: This will be a weekly report posted after each episode of Game of Thrones (except that this is obviously two weeks’ worth of fun). “The Eye of Newb” contains spoilers from the episode, obviously, but from the perspective of someone that has not read the books. Enjoy!

The Eye of Newb: Game of Thrones (HBO) Episode 5:
\\The Wolf and the Lion\\

By: Matt Lynch

 

\\Brothels make a much better investment than ships, I\\™ve found. Whores rarely sink.\\ \\“ Littlefinger

An abbreviated and delayed review this week, Friends. Had the great pleasure of an initial viewing of this week\\™s show with The Landlord himself. Despite this early and enjoyable start, life had much planned for me this week: A confirmation, two days of offsite \\˜retreat\\™ at work, planning training for early next week, and the mandatory etcetera.  None of this should be viewed as or afforded the stature of an alibi. It\\™s merely informational.

A few standouts right off the bat\\¦

1. Damn. Decapitating a horse?! If that\\™s how The Mountain treats his household pets, how\\™d you like to be his page?
2. Death by shield, a la Tyrion Lannister, is freakin\\™ awesome.  The Imp\\™s witty comeback afterward all the moreso.
3. Lysa Arryn\\™s Eyrie reeks of madness. Not good, wholesome Hunter S. Thompson madness, but creepy and cringe-worthy delusion of the highest order. Oh, and they\\™ve got a killer prison block. It ain\\™t often you see Tyrion truly frightened.

Those three moments alone made this week\\™s show entirely worthwhile, along with Ros the whore\\™s little side-nod at coital conclusion with Theon Greyjoy.  Kind of a little \\˜well, that\\™s over\\™ moment. Laughed my head off at both that and Ros\\™ canny extrication from the fight that followed.

For a change, in this episode, though rife with the kind of sex and violence I enjoy, the very best parts were deeply entwined in the dialogue. This is both good and bad\\¦ much interesting revelation, but plenty of brooding close-ups, murmurs and panoramic cutaways loaded with implied import. So, with a longing glance and much alluded portent, onward we go to other thoughts on episode 5 from behind the eyes of a Newb:

• I bet Mark Addy wishes that the Gazzer had found him that \\fat bastard cream\\ in The Full Monty after all. Might\\™ve eased the whole armor-fitting scene. On the other hand, it wouldn\\™t have given him the excuse to go all Joe Pesci circa GoodFellas on his page boy.
• \\The Spider\\ Varys has become one of my new favorite characters. I rank him just below Baelish and the Imp. We now know, with some level of certainty, that Jon Arryn was poisoned. I say know as while it\\™s still unclear whether Varys is entirely believable, at least his machinations make some sort of sense. If the conversation overheard by Arya in the dungeons holds true, The Spider is clearly rooting for a Dothraki invasion, and thus one could presume he is a Targaryen loyalist. In any case, he bears careful scrutiny going forward.
• The Small Council meeting was much more entertaining this week than in past. It felt as if plotlines were finally coming together, and it\\™s fitting that the first true cusp of confrontation between major characters begins here, between Ned Stark and King Robert. Bodes well for next week and beyond. Feels odd for a neophyte to say such, but I think we\\™ve had enough exposition. Time for some conflict! Plus, Baelish\\™s line about being in bed with an ugly woman, following such counsel as preceded it, was priceless.
• I\\™m guessing that Arya\\™s constantly being mistaken for a boy will be significant at some point in the future. Counting this week, I think we\\™re up to something approaching 40 references. Maybe it just feels that way.
• Speaking of Baelish, how about him setting up Ned like that? \\Shouldn\\™t take more than an hour\\¦\\ I love this slippery bastard, especially since I still don\\™t see his aims clearly. That longing stare at the iron throne indicates a dark desire, but he hasn\\™t enough (unpaid) people behind him to mount a coup. Hopefully things will become clearer once the fighting starts.
• Loras Tyrell, the Knight of the Flowers. Love the armor; Fab-u-lous with a lilting twist.  The chest-shaving has to go, though. Really. Guh. Interesting how Loras is working hard on Renly to claim the throne. Maybe I was wrong about the exposition before, but I get the sense that Renly will succumb to Loras\\™ verbal ministrations as thoroughly as his, uh\\¦ other\\¦ ministrations and throw down for a shot at the throne. I\\™m guessing shortly after Robert dies.
• The scene between Cersei and Robert was the heart of this episode, Good People. It\\™s the first time I\\™ve actually rewound and replayed an extended dialogue in the short history of my Game of Thrones viewing career. It\\™s clear they are both achingly smart and (surprisingly in Cersei\\™s case) human. It seems they both wish that their relationship had more to it than clinical loathing and mistrust, and was strangely enjoyable to see them share a laugh. All the more so, given my suspicions that Cersei is still plotting to kill her nominal husband and enthrone her beloved little brat Joffrey.  And it actually hurt me to see Cersei hurt when Robert affirmed that he never felt for her what she once felt for him.
• I\\™m still unsure what the lesson of all Robert\\™s bastard children is. Why would that knowledge \\“ that a king well-reputed to be the drunken Steve Garvey of royalty would have so many illegitimate progeny \\“ was worth the life of Jon Arryn? I thought the queen busily and avidly schtupping her own brother was a secret much darker and bloodshed-worthy.
• Speaking of the queen\\™s brother and death, after Jory\\™s murder, I so want Jaime Lannister\\™s head on a spike. I will give him style points for the dagger through the eye maneuver, though. That was pretty cool.
• One truly disappointed word about the set design that just totally distracted me from a perfectly good combat sequence, as well, before I close. When men are fighting in a medieval courtyard in a land long ago and far away, I should not be able to see the timber scoring in the dirt.  It doesn\\™t look like laid stones, HBO. It looks like a soundstage. Bah!

It should no longer be in doubt as to whether I am in or out for next week. No drama to be divined from that particular tuber. I\\™m in. I\\™m hooked. At least until Cowboys and Aliens comes out. Then I might get distracted from swordplay for a taste of lasers and sixguns. Ahhhh\\¦ lasers and sixguns. \\˜Til next week, Good People, in the words of Tyrion Lannister: \\I like you.\\