Editor’s Note: “The Eye of Newb” contains spoilers from the episode listed. If you have not watched the episode written about, you have been warned. But as Matt has not read the books (as of yet), you do not have to worry about future spoilers.
Over the next three days we’ll be releasing episode recaps for episodes 3, 4, and 5. Enjoy!
The Eye of Newb: Game of Thrones (HBO) Season 2 Episode 4: \\Garden of Bones\\
By: Matt Lynch
“Careful now. We don’t want to get blood all over your pretty white cloak” – Bronn
Part the First, wherein farts (as always) are still funny, and a wolf swings by the stable for a nibble.
- These fellas aren’t exactly the sharpest forks in the drawer, are they?
- A direwolf in your siege line certainly helps your cause.
- So Rob is opposed to torture. Good for him. He’s definitely ahed of his time.
- Aagh, The Newb is suddenly glad to have both legs intact.
- And poof, like that, our man Stark is in love. That’s a bad sign for the Frey wedding that got him this far south. Then again, if brothers and sisters and brothers and sisters and husbands are a-okay, who knows? It could work.
- Plan, schman. Just kill Joffrey and all will be well.
Speaking of the little sadist, Part the Second, wherein Joffrey is, well, Joffrey, and Tyrion saves a damsel in distress.
- Joffrey must die.
- Fortunately, the Imp makes a perfectly timed entrance, and does not shy away from a toe-to-toe with either Joffrey or his Guard.
- And the line of the night goes to Bronn.
- Honor? Joffrey? Are you serious, Tyrion?
- The Imp defies the king, and the king stews. As satisfying as this is in the moment, I think it presages bad things.
- The exchange between Sansa and Tyrion is a thing of beauty, as you can literally see Tyrion’s esteem for her courage grow.No words are necessary.
- Bronn has what seems to be a solid theory, but I don’t think sex will cure a sadist, my good sell-sword.
Part the Third, wherein Joffrey proves me right, and Ros is forced into bad craziness, yet again, thanks to the Boy King. It’s turning into a bad season to be Ros.
- Hee, hee…Joffrey is actually scared of the prospect presented by a name-day gift from his uncle Tyrion.
- So Joffrey’s got a thing for lesbians, does he?
- Hit her? Oh, this is about to go bad wrong. And it’s about to go worse wrong for Miss Haystack Hall.
- Having trouble watching this, in all honesty, Good People.
- Oh, Jeebus Christmas, Joffrey found his favorite crossbow, and he’s threatening Ros. Bronn was right. There really is no cure for being a c–t.
Part the Fourth, wherein a whoremonger venture northeast, and Littlefinger gets verbally bitch-slapped by the royal incubatrix.
- It’s clear that Renly doesn’t think much of Baelish, and that’s probably deserved.
- “I give priority to my head.” Ha! Finally Littlefinger gets a quality one-liner. By my count , that’s two this season.
- We cut to Renly’s “queen” and Baelish in the camp.
- Not ‘our’ tent? After the joking of the guards at the Lannister camp and Littlefinger’s jibes, I’m beginning to think that the only person in Westeros who doesn’t clearly believe that Renly is gay is… well, no one, really. And yet they flock to him. So, why the pretense? Why all the “queen” business? No pun intended. Well, maybe a little. Sue me.
- Not often we get to see Baelish put in his place, but the little speech on not knowing how marriages worked was exactly that, and a beauty.
Part the Fifth, wherein we’re on Saturn and a new name gets thrown about.
- Well at least this blood rider came back with his head.
- Yeah. Klingon again. Blech.
- Qarth? Okay, that’ll be in the opening credits next week. And it sounds as if they have a lovely garden
Part the Sixth, wherein we see the wretched wonder that is Harrenhal, and meet and get an up-close glimpse of medieval shell-shock.
- Gendry, my man, the dragons aren’t all dead. Take my word for it.
- Not only is Harrenhal hideous, but it has the bouquet of dead people, and enough war-torn crazies to stock a whole Mad Max film.
- That woman is gone. Just gone. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
- Okay, am I the only one who wondered aloud watching Arya follow Yoren’s last advice in a barren cell with a skylight: how is she going to conceal her need to pee sitting down in these quarters? Can’t be.
- That recitation of names is flat-out creepy. Like, she’s going to kill them all level creepy. Arya: portrait of young vengeful psycho. That has a certain ring to it.
Part the Seventh, wherein Baelish steps over the line, and Ned Stark takes a little trip.
- ‘False reports’? Petyr, Petyr, Petyr… that’s the line you’re going with?
- Really?! Dude, don’t try to rekindle love after you’ve effectively killed the last man.
- Aha, THAT’s the Littlefinger I know. Using threats against family and treachery to win advantage, even over those he deeply, desperately desires.
- At least he had the decency, or perhaps Tyrion had the decency, to bring Ned back to his own people. That’s classy.
- Petyr. Leave. Now. You lost your chance.
Part the Eighth, wherein we meet a couple of sick bastards who torture folks with rats, and Arya runs through her ‘death list’ again.
- That whole rat in a bucket technique makes my innards crawl.
- Arya has seen more horror in her twelve or so years than any child should have to. Again, this is a world that should compel me?
Part the Ninth, wherein two brothers disagree, and a sinister redhead makes another veiled threat.
- Stannis has his own banner. Huh!
- Again with the Lord of Light? Could someone please explain this whole religion thing to me, in words of one syllable?
- ‘Now I see why you’ve found religion in your old age.’ Heh.
- Cat does try to play the wise mother figure, to no avail.
- Renly states the obvious. No one likes Stannis, despite his sultry redhead fire goddess.
- The night is dark and full of terrors. This woman in deliciously eeeevil. And at least she’s only obsessed with a single nocturn, not with any season that might follow autumn. I’ll give her that.
Part the Tenth, wherein we return to the Red Wastes and some sort of Harkonnen family reunion outside the gates of Qarth. Ooo… too much sci-fi? Deal with it, suckas.
- Odd sort of welcome. Soldiers behind shields very rarely mean ‘come on in and make yourself at home.’
- Who is this freak with the long and difficult to pronounce name? He sure does want to see him some dragons.
- Apparently no one told the Q’arthans that 13 is a decidedly unlucky number. I don’t see this city being around very long, but maybe I’ll lose another bet on that one, as well.
- Uh-oh. Dany’s getting turned out to the garden district.
- Whoa…. good battle speech, Dany. Good enough for Isaac Hayes to save you by slicing up his hand. Awesome, and a slightly hokey twist.
Part the Eleventh, wherein hope is restored by a Lannister saving a Baratheon?!
- Nothin’ says lovin’ like a head on a spike. Outstanding opening.
- Oh, crap. Gendry’s up for Rat Patrol.
- We’ve seen how this bit plays out. It puts the rat in the bucket or it gets the hose again…. but wait…
- It’s Tywin. Unannounced and early. This won’t end well for the guards.
- Yep. He goes all ‘where my slaves at?’ on ’em.
- Tywin also is quick to realize the obvious, that there’s no way that wide-eyed waif can be a boy. Wait, somebody said that once. Oh, who was it… yeah, that’s right… the Newb.
- Whoa. Arya is to be the cup-bearer for the head of the Lannister clan? Shame he’s not on her list.
Part the Twelfth, wherein there is much Impness, and not-so-veiled threats beget a Lannister spy.
- When the Imp invites you in for mulled wine, run, Lancel. It will not end well for you.
- Lancel is an impudent boy. And he’s about to be cut down to size.
- Ahhh… that Impen grin. Nice!
- There it is. Tyrion knows that Lancel and Cersei are bumping uglies, and now he’s using it to make the impudent boy grovel. This scene is delicious. Simply delicious.
- ‘Save it for Joffrey! He loves a good grovel!’ Ha!
- And there’s the hook hidden in the bait. Now Tyrion has a spy who sleeps with his sister. Well-played, Imp, well-played.
- Looks like Pycelle is off the council, and apparently has a few harmed hairs.
Part the Ultimate, wherein a smuggler is gob-smacked, and a whole lot of what the f— is unleashed on this poor viewer.
- Freaky deer heads do not set a nice nautical theme, Stannis. Can’t you even get your symbolism right? No wonder nobody likes you.
- The good act does not wash out the bad. Stannis truly is a self-righteous tool.
- Any shore, any night. I love this guy and all his missing fingers. It’s a shame that I’m pretty sure he’s a red-shirt in this season.
- Umm… why is a red-headed witch being smuggled ashore?
- Okay, so I begin to see where the attraction is between Stannis and Melisandre (for apparently, that is her name. Thank you, Anonymous Reader for the tip). Her concept of black and white goodness must appeal to him.
- Melisandre has a pretty high opinion of herself and a fairly low opinion of what our good smuggler wants.
- Oops, they barred the tunnel. So much for smuggling.
- WTF? Pregnant in two days time?! Bad weirdness is about to ensue…
- Seriously, I’m now officially lost and confused. The woman is belching forth a demonic smog monster from her pink parts. That right there is completely f’ed up. Period. Amen.
So, uh, yeah… what to say? I’m in for next week just to see what insane freakishness Melisandre and her belly are capable of.
