Editor’s Note: “The Eye of Newb” contains spoilers from the episode listed. If you have not watched the episode written about, you have been warned. But as Matt has not read the books (as of yet), you do not have to worry about future spoilers. Enjoy!
The Eye of Newb: Game of Thrones (HBO) Season 2 Episode 2: \\The Night Lands\\
By: Matt Lynch
“There are no goats, Half-man.” – Shagga
Welcome back, Friends! The late, great St. Douglas Adams once declared with authority his abiding love of deadlines, especially the little whooshing sound they made as they flew by. A sage, a visionary and a speaker of great truths was he. ‘Nuff said.
Buckle up and ingest the snark, my gentle snowflakes…
Part the First, wherein a waterway is soiled and a Kingsman is very nearly circumcised on horseback.
- We open with a gentle pastoral creek, the tinkling of flowing water our sole companion. So relaxing… Albeit not for a wary, even jumpy, Arya. Wait, wait, that’s not water! It is tinkling, though.
- Jaquen holds promise, as opposed to his two ‘scared straight’-inspired cage inhabitants.
- I might pay to see someone shave a spider’s arse. Call it a character flaw.
- What you couldn’t pay me enough to be right about now is this: Gendry. Seems he is now relying on a den of greedy snakes for his own safety.
Part the second, wherein an arachnid pays a social call, and dietary habits provide an amusing allegory.
- Woot! The whistling wee man greets the ears… Impness!
- “Something tells me that Lord Varys doesn’t like fish pie…” Indeed! Snicker.
- Love the menace fairly dripping from Varys’ jowls as he compliments his own confidentiality.
- Only to be topped by Tyrion’s “where your friends are concerned.”
- The fangs truly come out in the exchange at the door. “…the big fish eat the little fish and I just keep on paddling…” – a definite runner-up for line of the night.
Part the Third, wherein Cersei shows her rending skills yet again and another threat of cold winds or some such rears its ugly head.
- Cersei is a world-class bitch with an aching heart.
- Woot! Zombies at the wall! Oh never mind, this scene is all talk-talk, not burn-burn.
Part the Fourth, wherein farts (as always) are funny, and Samwell Tarley is (as always) a moon-faced git.
- Wrestling with Violet, eh? So that’s what the kids are calling it these days.
- Uh-oh, Moon-face has fallen for the toothy damsel in distress.
- What does happen to the boys? I wonder. Could this be, oh what’s the word… foreshadowing. Bah.
- I will give Sam credit for clearly stating that you can’t steal a person. He does offer the most human perspective this series has to offer, even if he is a soft and whiny moron.
Part the Fifth, wherein we all feel a mite thirsty and the latest Red Waste christmas toy is revealed – hey, Kids, it the one and only Head In A Saddlebag!
- Props to the acting in the segue. I actually felt somewhat parched in my own family room.
- Yeek. Justice is swift and harsh in the Waste. Imagine if all the locals carried Colt Peacemakers. Why, it’d be… Arizona.
- Klingon again?! Make them stop. Please?
Part the Sixth, wherein Theon partakes in a little shipboard nasty, and has sex as well.
- Well, old Theon’s a bit full of himself, and the “hard men” line was groan-worthy.
- Okay, so I’ve bitched and moaned about Bubba Snow-Tep for a while now, but honestly I’d watch a full hour of that stiff, sullen bastard rather than put up with ten more seconds of the Ego King, here.
Part the Seventh, wherein the cutscene is absolutely priceless and sausage drippings steal the show.
- For some reason, Elvis Costello leaps to mind, although detectives works much better than perverts, phonetically.
- Not sure whether to cringe or giggle at the wiping and kissing. Perhaps both.
- “Poorly handled.” Bwahahahaaa!
- Okay, so Joffrey made Ros cry, and now Littlefinger is threatening to sell her into horror and death. The one must die, and the other must not remain long in this world if he makes good on his veiled threat.
Part the Eighth, wherein Bronn gets a promotion and the Imp culls the Queen Regent’s herd.
- Dinklage. Award. Stat. Seriously.
- Never, ever, ever call Tyrion a dwarf. Good to know.
- Good old Bronn’s coming up in the world, despite his complete lack of scruples.
Part the Ninth, wherein genitalia and urination feature prominently, and Gendry reveals that he is at least as observant as we are.
- No way that wide-eyed waif is a gutter rat. Or a boy. Sorry.
- Well, the companions are officially co-conspirators now. ‘Bout time.
- Ha! Gendry is a fairly chivalrous joker.
Part the Tenth, wherein the Ego King gets his comeuppance, Iron style, and a mystery woman makes her entrance.
- Awww… guess you’re not all that, are you Theon? You’re so loved that no one cares that you’ve returned.
- See, this old guy here on the docks is the closest to my people I’ve seen thus far in the series. If only he’d spat on Theon’s shoes, the scene would’ve been complete.
- But wait, who’s this young lady fan from nowhere? Fishy.
- Theon literally can’t help himself, can he? Even when he’s so clearly being tested. I mean, there’s swagger and then there’s idiocy.
- Holy crap! That’s a fireplace. Release the Kraken!
- Queue tender reunion between a dad and his boy. Can I have one, just one, reason to give a single s–t about any of these people?
- Oh, so THAT’s what “I just unwittingly fingered my own sister” face looks like. Eewww.
- Discord, and another self-declared king. Goody. Can we get back to the murder and mayhem again?
Part the Eleventh, which has pirates! Well, okay, pirate. Just the one really. But he has got a sweet accent, and is walking proof that Westeros is multi-cultural after all.
- I like this pirate’s aspirations, and his general demeanor… and his take on religion. This dude’s got potential.
- Oh, great, sonny boy is a proselytizer.
Part the Twelfth, wherein the Lannisters have a wee spat, we learn that Joffrey is a psycho, and Cersei reveals the source and depth of her hatred for Tyrion.
- Ouch. I mean, really. Ouch.
- What is this stirring in me? Sympathy? For Cersei? I’ll need a wash after this.
Part the Thirteenth, wherein Stannis plays with toys and a wicked redhead toys with Stannis.
- Who does this evil witch want burned?
- Apparently freaky sorceresses want babies, too. Huh.
- If I had to pick a place for a roll in the hay, an iron table filled with action figures would not be high on the list.
Part the Last, wherein another infant meets a grim fate, and Bubba Snow-Tep meets a blow to the head.
- No. Don’t go into the woods alone, Snow, you dumbass! Haven’t you seen a single horror flick, or are you really that dense?
- A baby-snatching Yeti? Wait a minute… maybe I could get back into this series after all.
Well, the Newb has never been one to waltz around the wisteria or otherwise call it differently than he sees it, Dear Friends. That episode? Not much there there, if you catch my drift. I suppose we’re still firmly hitched to the old Exposition Express for another couple of weeks. Despite my better judgement, I guess I’ll take that ride.