Editor’s Note: The Newb “episode report” for the Game of Thrones was late this time because of me, not because of my “tenant.”
“The Eye of Newb” contains spoilers from the episode listed. If you have not watched the episode written about, you have been warned. But as Matt has not read the books (as of yet), you do not have to worry about future spoilers. Enjoy!
… Oh, one last thing: since Episode 7 is already out there for viewing, I don’t feel bad commenting on some of my tenant’s observations…
The Eye of Newb: Game of Thrones (HBO) Episode 6:
\\A Golden Crown\\
By: Matt Lynch
\\I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel…\\ \\“ Tyrion Lannister
There is a God, Good People! Viserys Targaryen reaps the whirlwind, in a glittering bling beanie! Oh wondrous beauty, oh thing of grandeur. The Newb is so-o very happy he has persisted long enough to get hooked on this saga, for that stylishly brutal end is all the payback I need to forge on. Dear Landlord, I retract most of the bad things I\\™ve said about and to you\\¦ but not all, as for some inexplicable reason, Jaime Lannister still lives, retaining his head and missing a giant bloody spike extending therefrom. Ah, well. It\\™s only episode six. Viserys snuffing it beneath his well-earned chapeaux will sustain me for a few more viewings at least.
Well, that, and the roundhouse Cersei took in the opening minutes. Robert will pay for that slap. Dearly. I feel no sympathy for his impending doom, but even so, that head-spinner couldn\\™t have happened to a nicer gal.
And those, Friends, were only the second and third best moments of this week\\™s episode, respectively. The best moment, running away from the field, was the Imp\\™s confession. I\\™ve said it before and I\\™ll say it again: I love\\¦nay, adore, Peter Dinklage. Watching him pull off sheer terror before the turnkey Mord and then condescending adherence to form while listing his litany of totally spurious \\crimes\\ was a sheer delight. So many flavors of awesome\\¦except, of course, turtle stew.
So, in my own (free from all condescension) adherence to form, on we go to other events and impressions from this week\\™s broadcast.
- Interesting cover story the Lannisters have spread about the whole spear-through-the-leg incident. Oh, and Robert, honor Cersei again. Please?
- I\\™d hate to be Ned Stark right now. He\\™s the Hand again, and I predict will die as such, either from his injuries or from unforeseen deception. He\\™s set a pattern as a straightforward man of the North who has been played too many times. Mark my words, Ned Stark will not leave King\\™s Landing alive. I don\\™t know why or how his death will come to pass, but I\\™m sure it will. Soon.
- Ooh! Not only can Dany withstand the searing pain of rough rear entry, but it appears she\\™s inflammable, too. Not a bad trait to have. Worked out well for Hellboy. And is it me, or is this stubborn urge she feels to place petrified dragon eggs in hot places foreshadowing? I hope so. Very rarely is a story ruined by the addition of enormous, flame-spewing lizards. Well, except for poor Tokyo. Just sayin\\™.
- Okay, literati, or just those who\\™ve read this particular book\\¦ what the hell gives with the three-eyed crow, already? These dream sequences seem to go nowhere, and frankly they\\™re just confusing the rest of us. Stop it! ed. note – yeah, bad use of the three eyed crow. In the book, Bran begins seeing the three-eyed crow during his coma. And it talks. And it represents something. Right now it’s just a placeholder… “oh yeah, sometimes I forget this is a fantasy world… glad they put this crow with three eyes in here.”
- While I don\\™t fully understand the significance of the conversation between Theon Greyjoy and Robb Stark in the woods either, I love the sheer joy of Bran on horseback. Apparently, war\\™s still comin\\™, though.
- What in the name of all things Rowling is Nymphadora Tonks doing in the woods stealing silver and horses from small boys?! Oh how the mighty have fallen.
- Theon appears to possess the requisite amount of bloodlust, recklessness, cool calculation and marksmanship to be a factor in the aforementioned comin\\™ war. It\\™ll be interesting to see if he fights for or against house Stark, given the families\\™ history.
- Whoa! Back to the Eyrie, and arguably the harshest alarm clock in Westeros. A thousand yards straight down will certainly peel the old eyelids back. If not, Mord yelling \\No gold!\\™ ought to do the trick.
- There is only one thing we say to Death: \\Not today.\\ Syrio is like the Silent Bob of this particular feature. He doesn\\™t say much, but the words he speaks carry weight.
- Ugh. Horse heart. Is no orifice safe for poor Dany. If it\\™s not engorged meat going in one way, it\\™s bloody engorged meat going in another. I pity this poor girl, and I wish I hadn\\™t eaten dinner before watching. On the upside, there\\™s a messy, wet smooch waiting for Khal Drogo at the end of this, and maybe a long ride. Lord knows Dany\\™s had her protein for the day. She should be full of energy.
- Viserys is getting desperate. And he\\™s losing his bondsman. So happy. So very happy. As he runs out of allies, he becomes a riper and riper target for the axe.
- The Imp has gold and a plan, but his persistence in following said plan, despite being thwarted by a slow-witted man with a leather club, is a humorous thing to behold. \\You\\™re a smart man.\\ I think Mord\\™s train left the smart station a wee bit prematurely.
- Oh, I could watch this confession and trial over and over. Lather, rinse, repeat. I haven\\™t laughed this hard at a dwarf in medieval garb, well, ever. And I do love the reaction of Tyrion\\™s eventual champion, as well as Robin, the coddled, half-wit prince. Awesome.
- The page seems awfully interested in dispensing wine to Robert. The question is, when the King is good and drunk, or perhaps drunker, who will step up to kill him? Barristan? You’d better take that back. Never Barristan.
- Oh, and good for Renly for standing up to his sodden and boorish brother. The old days certainly don\\™t seem all that good, unless you miss constant combat. I\\™d bet that Robert does miss just that.
- Wow! Ned\\™s gone and pissed off the richest man in Westeros, on behalf of poor river men and in the name of the King. Sweet! Now I\\™m positive he\\™s a dead man. And Baelish is beautiful in this scene. I mean ultra-slimy Bib Fortuna beautiful. Not quite Salacious Crumb beautiful, but, well, you know what I mean.
- Quite an excellent combat scene, and The Imp is freed by his cunning and his funding yet again.
- Side note: I want a moon door. In my family room. Better yet, in my foyer. For the looks alone on the faces of door-to-door salesmen when I say \\step inside.\\
- Speaking of moon doors and trials, did it seem to anyone else that throwing Ser Vardis out the door in the floor after his carotid was cut through seem to be gilding the lily? It did delight young Robin, though.
- Sansa can be as bitchy as Cersei, especially where the help is concerned. Poor Septa. And Joffrey is a simpering and shifty little bastard who, despite his wide-eyed earnestness, simply cannot be believed.
- Alas, poor Theon. His beloved Ros is off to greener pastures, and without title, there\\™s nothing he can do about it. Frankly, I\\™ll miss that lovely libertine redhead terribly, as well. Some parts of her especially so.
- When poor Ned tells his daughters to pack for a trip home, for their own safety, mind\\¦Yeah, that scene makes me very happy I don\\™t have daughters. I quote: \\I don\\™t want brave and gentle and strong! I want him!\\ Yep. No daughters. Whew! (No offense, Dear Landlord.) Bite me. I’ll have that moon-door by the time one of your sons tries to date one of my daughters.
- And the reference to blond-haired babies is what we might call a lightbulb moment. I finally get why the existence, and especially appearance, of all of Robert\\™s bastard children matters as much as the Incestuous Lannister Freakshow. It\\™s a chicken and egg situation, betrayed by Joffrey\\™s lustrous locks. Eeesh. That\\™s nasty to contemplate, but it does leave one with an appreciation for Joffrey\\™s high-functioning state, given his lineage. He could be a drooling wretch. Come to think of it, why couldn\\™t he be a drooling wretch? I think I\\™d like him better that way.
- Oh, sweet heavenly jeebus, that closing scene was just pure poetry. The metallic thud of Viserys\\™ newly-plated noggin meeting the dirt floor will live on in my memory as a high point of this series so far, as well as his screams of agony during the \\˜coronation.\\™ Mmm-mm-MMM!! Tasty.
Oh, Good People. Pure Fantasy geeks of the world. You have won me over. Infected me with your dread disease. Hell, I\\™d join your zombie army willingly at this point, contagion coursing through my fevered veins or no. In truth, the Newb is feeling like a comic book junky on the 3rd of the month\\¦ I actually can\\™t wait for the next episode. \\˜Til next week, Friends, peace, prosperity, and a word of counsel: Don\\™t eat the turtle stew.